I haven't been to into reading all of the pregnancy books--as I found them depressing and not particularly useful-with the exception of "What to Expect When your Expecting" and "Belly Laughs." Belly Laughs really did make me laugh and I related to just about everything--from wearing a mu mu to the maternity underwear to well... you just have to read it. Here is a great chapter. Chapter Three Barf-O-Rama
(Morning Sickness)
As anyone who has ever endured it knows, the term morning sickness is bullshit. Morning has very little to do with it. For me, it started in the morning and went straight through the night. The label morning must have been thought up by a man who thought it was all in our heads and hoped that limiting the definition would make us all shut up by noon. Well, I don't think so, buddy! I say, come on over to my house around 5 p.m. so I can heave on you.
Some women I know have had this worse than others. Some have puked every fifteen minutes all day long and others just a few times a day. I consider myself to have had it even harder than the pukers. I was in a constant state of queasiness that would cause me to gag or dry-heave. You know that second before you throw up where your mouth gets really watery and you start to sweat and you do that horrible run to the bathroom hoping to just get it out so you don't have to feel that anymore? That was me ... ALL DAY. I was stuck in that in-between state where nothing would come out. I would just stare at the toilet sweating and praying to the porcelain God not to let me dwell any longer in puke purgatory. I would have sold my soul for one of two options: Either let me puke or let me feel better.
Going to the grocery store was a freakin' nightmare. I was terrified every time I had to go. Celebrity life isn't all personal assistants and glamour, let me tell you. Oh yes, I do my own shopping. I would walk in pale and sweaty with my little list in my hand and run through the aisles. To me, the meat counter smelled like dead animals that had been left in the sun for a year. I would cringe and hold my sleeve up to my nose as I passed. Everything in that store disgusted me. Strangers gawked at me as they saw me gagging in Aisle 3 holding up some cheese. It's hard having these symptoms in public when you don't look pregnant. If I were nine months along they would look at me like "oh look, poor little pregnant lady doesn't feel so good." Instead they looked at me as if to say, "Don't bulimics puke after they eat?"
Television food commercials killed me. I loved them for cravings later on, but during this early stage I turned green when I saw someone eat a greasy cheeseburger or some Hamburger Helper. Speaking of green, if any type of vegetable or salad was in my vicinity (or even talked about in passing conversation), I would feel the need to eliminate the healthy little bastard. Everyone always talks about eating healthy for the baby, but the only healthy thing I ever got down in nine months was an apple. I was worried my kid was going to come out looking like a chocolate chip cookie. Health food DISGUSTED me.
You'd think with all this aversion to food that I would lose weight during this period ... nope. Instead, I gained a lot. Probably because the only thing that I could get down was an entire loaf of white bread every day. As I would later find out from asking around, the people who do lose weight during "morning sickness" eventually catch up to us fat pregnant women later. Fair's fair.
So if you succumb to becoming best friends with your toilet, don't fret. Just remember you're not alone. All women are right there with ya holding your hair up, cheering you on. For most of us, it all passes in a few long months. The max is nine months, I promise.
(Morning Sickness)
As anyone who has ever endured it knows, the term morning sickness is bullshit. Morning has very little to do with it. For me, it started in the morning and went straight through the night. The label morning must have been thought up by a man who thought it was all in our heads and hoped that limiting the definition would make us all shut up by noon. Well, I don't think so, buddy! I say, come on over to my house around 5 p.m. so I can heave on you.
Some women I know have had this worse than others. Some have puked every fifteen minutes all day long and others just a few times a day. I consider myself to have had it even harder than the pukers. I was in a constant state of queasiness that would cause me to gag or dry-heave. You know that second before you throw up where your mouth gets really watery and you start to sweat and you do that horrible run to the bathroom hoping to just get it out so you don't have to feel that anymore? That was me ... ALL DAY. I was stuck in that in-between state where nothing would come out. I would just stare at the toilet sweating and praying to the porcelain God not to let me dwell any longer in puke purgatory. I would have sold my soul for one of two options: Either let me puke or let me feel better.
Going to the grocery store was a freakin' nightmare. I was terrified every time I had to go. Celebrity life isn't all personal assistants and glamour, let me tell you. Oh yes, I do my own shopping. I would walk in pale and sweaty with my little list in my hand and run through the aisles. To me, the meat counter smelled like dead animals that had been left in the sun for a year. I would cringe and hold my sleeve up to my nose as I passed. Everything in that store disgusted me. Strangers gawked at me as they saw me gagging in Aisle 3 holding up some cheese. It's hard having these symptoms in public when you don't look pregnant. If I were nine months along they would look at me like "oh look, poor little pregnant lady doesn't feel so good." Instead they looked at me as if to say, "Don't bulimics puke after they eat?"
Television food commercials killed me. I loved them for cravings later on, but during this early stage I turned green when I saw someone eat a greasy cheeseburger or some Hamburger Helper. Speaking of green, if any type of vegetable or salad was in my vicinity (or even talked about in passing conversation), I would feel the need to eliminate the healthy little bastard. Everyone always talks about eating healthy for the baby, but the only healthy thing I ever got down in nine months was an apple. I was worried my kid was going to come out looking like a chocolate chip cookie. Health food DISGUSTED me.
You'd think with all this aversion to food that I would lose weight during this period ... nope. Instead, I gained a lot. Probably because the only thing that I could get down was an entire loaf of white bread every day. As I would later find out from asking around, the people who do lose weight during "morning sickness" eventually catch up to us fat pregnant women later. Fair's fair.
So if you succumb to becoming best friends with your toilet, don't fret. Just remember you're not alone. All women are right there with ya holding your hair up, cheering you on. For most of us, it all passes in a few long months. The max is nine months, I promise.
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